Jeremy Hargrave

A simple phrase, but one he could not express. As my hands wrapped firmly around his wrist, locking the excrement in place, I looked around the room. Mom returned quickly, carrying with her a pack of wipes, and began cleaning the mess from his hand. I stared, stone-faced, into his eyes and he returned mine with an equally blank gaze. He knew why. I knew why. With the mess adequately cleaned we hurried to the bathroom, went through the rituals, washed our hands, and returned to the couch.

My client is a young man, diagnosed with Autism and intellectual disabilities. He cannot communicate what he wants, how he feels, or why he smears himself with his own waste. But everyone familiar with the case knows why. Mom, tearfully, painfully, knows why. He wants a bath, every day, so many baths that his skin is raw and dry. He smiles when you scratch his itch and he laughs when you tickle him. He can disarm a passerby with his rocking and giggling, and he can send his mother scurrying to the other side of the apartment with just a look.  She apologizes for the incident. I had heard about it, read about it, but it was the first time dealing with it. I was unfazed. Part of the job. She, however, a middle-aged single mother, was not unfazed. It wasn’t part of the job she signed up for, not for this long at least. She chokes back tears as she tells me about a trip she took to a specialized hospital when he was an infant. She remembers seeing a little girl, disabled and disfigured, sitting in the waiting room. She watches her while she waits for her son’s diagnosis. She prays for him to not have a life like this little girl’s. She prays to not have a life like the one she is living.

I express my sympathies. I tell her I can’t imagine living this way. I leave after my two hour session is over. I go home and think about the family. I consult the therapists on the case. I think about strategies and treatments we can implement, trainings we can give the mother. I think about what I can do to make it better for them. I want to make it better for them; it’s my job to make it better. I sit with my fiancee in front of the TV and think about my own life. I can’t imagine living that way. I push my client and his mother to the back of my mind. Right now I just want to live my life. I want to relax. I want a bath.